Chris Worfolk's Column

Wow, its been a while since I have been writing anything like this. Apart from XXXXX comedy on the old site. I'll get the censored version of that moved over here eventually. Look out for it in the Tokyo Journal and my site too. Anyway:

Right, so everyone is buzzing about how cheap the new plastic parts are to replace. Now I'm no expecrt but the other day my cousin kicked a football which hit a car bumber - and cracked it. You think that is bad, but it gets worse - it cost £300 to replace!

What was more annoying though was that my cousin, who kicked the football - was 6. And it was a sponge ball! So, you know, I might stick with metal parts for the moment.

Anyway every year theres this National Model Aeroplane Flying championships in the UK, where bascially a load of people go to fly model plabes and the winner is the person who's left after everyone else has died of boredom. Thank got it only lasts 3 days.

So my dad, having to be different, enjoys watching the planes (he used to fly them) and every year I somehow get dragged along. But they hold the event in them middle of an air field which is still used by the RAF. So everyone getting their on Friday to get the best spaces despite the fact that the organisers say they won't let you on till 5.

However everyone gets their at 3 because we all know they are lieing. Which they are because they let us on att 3. But while your waiting there for like an hour, every now and then a harrirer flies like 10 foot overhead.

The other problem with holding it on an air field is that in any normal place there would be no breee what so ever yeton the air field its blowing a gale.

Now at night after all the competition flying is doen for the day, everyone goes into them middle of the air field and fly a load of free flight planes and everyone calls them "funnies."

Everyone calls them "funnies" because its dead funny when one slams into the side of someone. You stand in this big crowd which a load of maniac's launchin g planes, flying sources and the offical dolphin at you! Sounds fun hu?

You also get these mini jet planes which aren't jets at all - their fireworks.But at least they give you a warning when they are coming form the noise they make. The problem with the petrol engine models is that they are fine while the engine is running, but when the engine cuts out, it glides down silently into the back of your head.

So your watching the jet engine you think is going to kill you while a petrol powered monster plane glides down behind you and smacks you in the back. You then in the spirit of tradition, say it didn't hurt hile blood comes gushing from your jumper.

The problem this sort of thing causes though is that people start plotting revenge. "He he he, I know. I'll get a big stick and put an engine in on. Then release it in the middle of a crowd." And so the flying stick was invented.

Noy you may think we're crazy standing in the crowd - but some people park their cars up there! So someone launches this plane - which proceeds to smash straight into the windscreen of a BMW convertable.

Luckily the windscreen didn't smash. However the plane rolled gently down the bonnet of the car, bounced onto the bumper,which jully fell off.

So the BMW drivrer comes up and says "hey, look what you've done to my car! I'm going to get my flying stick out I am." BMW driver launches his flying stick. A slight breeze causes a gale on the air field, blowing the flying stick back and hits him in the face.

A St Johns Ambelence pulls up to see if he is ok. Plane hits it and nocks the bumper off. And so in comemoration, I did a quick remix of the chorus to Stan by Eminem.

I look outside my camper van
and I see a plane
What an unusal thing to see
Its usually rain
even if I could
Who'd want to anyway
it reminds me I hade model planes
hate model planes